Blogger Philosophy

Does a blogger who isn't blogging still exist? Perhaps I just rematerialise once in a while to write this blog.

So where have I been for the past month? Well the kids started school, and I started portrait drawing and an online writing class at Gotham, and on Thursday I start Italian.

Portrait drawing is hard. But The teacher is good. He actually thinks up exercises that will target specific skills and make us get better at drawing. This sounds obvious. It isn't. It is scary how many drawing classes are the same every day and do not move forwards. Every day you go in and draw, but they so clearly don't even expect you to improve. How depressing. Right, so if I draw anything more attractive than vomit, I'll post it. Hasn't happend yet, in spite of teacher's efforts.

Writing. I'm a little disappointed with the class. Once, I actually got a decent bit of feedback from my teacher, and she said 'I'm writing this because I'm stuck in a plane, don't expect this all the time.' Argh. I calculate I've paid about $43 per lesson. No way am I getting 43 dollars worth of feedback. Her participation in the discussions is pathetic. I would love to know how much time per week she is putting into the class. Also, tech support is nonexistant. I inquired twice about formatting, inquired also of the teacher. Never got an answer.

The Vacuum (not the hausfrau kind)

So, I'm trying to cheer myself the heck up here, and keep writing. I'm taking a break from PB texts to write a novel. Exactly what age group this novel will be for is a big unknown. Why? Because my characters keep mutating! This is really frustrating, but it happened with my PB characters too, though on a smaller scale. I feel like I'm writing from both ends. I write a bit of plot, then go back and hammer on my characters, then plot, then people... Eventually, after lots of frustration, the two meet in the middle and interlock, and then I can move forward.

Now, the vacuum. This process is made more difficult by the fact that I am writing in a vacuum. I am not sure if there are any other writers in this area (writing in english, that is), but if there are, I can't find them. I have been rather frustrated and disappointed with on-line critique groups.

I think I'll buy myself a new wardrobe and pretend I'm Kim Possible. I always wanted to be fictional.

I'm on a Blog to Nowhere, Come on Along....

I don't know why I keep writing this blog; it's clear no one reads it. But I guess that's the way it is with writing. And creation in general. You make first, and worry about an audience later.

To be fair, the kids have been great. But I cannot seem to concentrate with them around. There is always the chance I will be interupted, and my brain knows that, and the interesting bits refuse to open their doors. On the other hand, I think if I keep waiting for the perfect moment, it's not going to happen.

So. I am spending my summer energy trying to teach the children many things I do not know, or have forgotten. Long division, playing harmonica, French, juggling, etc... How perverse is that?
My friend is away on holiday with her children. I miss her all the time, but I really miss her when she is gone for several weeks. She listens to me, and I need that. Without it I really start to doubt myself, and my worth. Can I write at all? should I just give it up? drawing, painting? Does it make any difference if I do these things or not? If I am the only one to whom it matters, am I worth the effort? I so need a well-placed kick in the pants.

I can hardly remember any words. I used to know loads of them, but they are failing me recently. Lines, shapes, babies. They belong to somebody else now.

So, it's summer holidays, and I have five weeks of making sure no one forgets their math, french, or german over the summer. Also, I should teach them some English. Ha ha ha...

We are going nowhere. I was supposed to be too pregnant to fly by now.

Research

I am really having trouble finding time to write. I know this is a common problem for writers, since not many support themselves with writing alone and must have other jobs, not to mention families, hurricanes, beconning donuts, and the like. But now it's the end of the year thing, and with one child in the upper school, one in the lower, and one in Kindergarten, presents to be made for teachers, (class teachers, music teachers, sport teachers, handicraft teachers) year-end recitals, plays, parties, stuff to be made and brought to the parties... Well, I'm feeling a sense of panic. Especially since we are going nowhere this summer and I will have the kids home every day for five weeks and you can all imagine how much I will get done with 3 kids who are are too old to nap and too young to really be independant. And if they did take naps, they would stagger them just to spite me. (ok ok, I'm getting grumpy)

So why did I title this entry research? I've been thinking about two things, lately. One is, how to find these gatherings more interesting, since I'm basically an asocial git. What I mean is, I really have trouble dealling with large numbers of people at once, especially since the split second processing lag caused by my non-native-speakerness means that by the time I've thought of something to say, someone else has *just* started saying it. So. How do I improve my attitude toward these, shall we say, intrusions into my writing time? Consider them research and observe. There are a wide variety of interesting people - children and adults- present at these things. How do they stand? How do they talk? About what? Actually, around here, villiage gossip being what it is, what they *don't* talk about can be just as interesting.

The other thing is my ongoing fascination with just how long it takes me to get to know my characters. I research so much about them- know so much more than is ever written, read up on aspects of them that I later decide are not really part of who they are and are cut entirely. And even taking all this into consideration, I am still awed by the amount of time it takes- a year sometimes, or more- from the first tentative inspirational flash inside my head until that character has become three dimentional enough for me to write the story, to know what I will cut, add, what that character will do. How they will react. Who they really are. And there is simply no hurrying the process. I wonder if it takes everyone else this long.

The only good thing about the EFC

Bern has been taken over by the Dutch. The Dutch are peaceful, I can deal with this... But I do not like the bullying attitude of the nasty Carlsberg beer people or the UEFA censorship. Or the clogged traffic. Or football in general.

However.

It seems to have spawned these:

Which just can't be bad...

Grumpy.

I have some new prints (etchings!) but will not post them today. I am so tired. It seems a bit daft to keep writing this blog to no one... I keep trying to yank myself in line- make a decision about something... Pffffff.....

Kids? My periods seem to have stopped. If this is only temporary, or if it's permanent, I don't know. I keep telling myself that the end of fertility is not the end of womanhood, but at the moment I just don't believe it. I feel like an ugly, dried-up old hag. And I'm only 40! I also got my second rejection this week. Yay me! I'm officially a rejec- I mean writer ;o) So... do I pull out my manuscripts again and take commas out and put them back? Or look again for a critique group? Or ditch that and try to scratch together enough pictures for show? Or go to the Dr and have my FSH level checked?

I haven't got the energy to do any of that...